A Night Full Of Fun

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman.
They start talking, and after a few cocktails, she invites him back to her place for sex. He responds with an enthusiastic yes, and they are soon on their way.

After they arrive at her place, things heat up fast and she suggests a 69.

He responds with, "You know, I don't get out very much and I'm not totally hip to some of the new lingo."

"Oh, that's okay. Just follow my lead," she says.

Within a few minutes he gets the idea and things are going nicely, until she farts. "What the hell was that?" he asks, alarmed.

"Oh, sorry," she giggles. Not about to stop over such a minor detail, he resumes his activities. Thoroughly enjoying himself, he is completely disgusted when she cracks another one, even worse than the first.

"This is ridiculous. I have to go," he says, looking for his clothes.
"What's the matter? Aren't you having fun?" she exclaims.

He pauses, and then replies, "Well, if you think I am sticking around for another 67 of those, you have another thing coming."

Again, Difference Between Female And Male

WANTS AND NEEDS
 female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
         psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
         in a relationship.
 male:   Food, sex and beer.


THINGY
 female: Any part under a car's hood.
 male:   The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

LESBIAN
 female: A woman who makes love to other women.
 male:   A woman who has sex with other women so men can
         watch and get really turned on.

CLASS CEILING
 female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
         to the upper levels in business.
 male:   What would really be great at work since that hot
         babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE
 female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
  male:  Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION
 female:  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
 male:    Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
          a weekend with the guys.

BUTT
 female: The body part that every item of clothing
         manufactured makes "look bigger."
 male:   The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT
 female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
 male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with
         one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT
 female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
 male:   Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATUENCE
 female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
 male:   An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
         and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE
 female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
 male:   What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL
 female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
 male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
         minutes.

TASTE
 female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
         cooking, to make sure it's good.
  male:  Something you must do to anything you think has
         gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

All About Man & Woman

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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The Search For Perfect Woman

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 40, and am looking for a woman with very big breasts.